31 May 2023... A few days ago I came across an Australian comedian on YouTube called Randy Feltface. Since then I think I’ve watched every video he’s published there, and I’m still not bored! Here’s a taste of his comedic style (unfortunately it’s a short so I can’t embed it): https://youtube.com/shorts/12_unZ0FsV4?feature=share Here’s a couple of the full shows he has available for free on YouTube: I can’t encourage you enough to check out his channel. Read more »
27 Jan 2023... As if further proof were needed of either the universe’s ability to throw shit at me to deal with, or my ability to deal with whatever shit the universe decides to throw at me, I have acquired COVID-19. This is while being non-weight bearing on my right foot. Not so serious, thankfully So I’ve been petrified of catching this thing ever since I heard about it. My various medical conditions make me particularly susceptible to major complications, but so far I seem to be having fairly mild symptoms. Read more »
16 Jan 2023... In part 1 I told you all about my 2022. In part 2 I covered the operation I’ve had and the crackingly good time it was. I’ll now cover my recovery experience so far. Recovery (the longer one) starts So I’m now back in my private room and I’m largely bed-bound; I knew I would be for the following 6 weeks. That’s not technically true since the only condition was that I couldn’t put weight through my right foot for 6 weeks but unless I wanted to risk having to slam my right foot down to stop me falling over it was best that I didn’t try to get around unless I had to. Read more »
14 Jan 2023... In part 1 I told you all about my 2022. It was pretty long (both the year and the post) but you may want to read that first to make sense of my journey to being due in the hospital at 7am on December 14th. Please note that this post contains fairly graphic descriptions of what I experienced leading up to and during the operation, so if you're at all squeamish I would suggest you either prepare youself or skip this part. Read more »
12 Jan 2023... I asked ChatGPT to write a song about my right foot. I think it did a pretty good job: I used to take my right foot for granted Never thought about how much it meant But now that it’s gone, I can’t help but feel pai Loss of mobility has me feeling bent Chorus: My right foot, my right foot It’s a part of me, but now it’s aloof My right foot, my right foot Read more »
11 Jan 2023... I was discharged from hospital yesterday (January 11th, 2023); I’ve been there since December 14th. This was the end of a challenging year because since February I’ve been wearing an orthopaedic boot or cast on my right foot and lower leg, with instructions to stay off it as much as possible. I’m now in the middle of at least a six-week recovery process after which I will hopefully be able to walk relatively normally again. Read more »
6 Feb 2020... I’m so over feeling like this. I’m currently lying in a hospital bed 1 hour and 40 minutes into my 21st dialysis session. My arm is aching. If I move my arm even slightly the upper needle feels like it’s scratching the inside of my fistula. The upper part of my fistula is very bruised due to a “blow” a couple of weeks ago. As I understand it a blow is where the needle isn’t fully inside the fistula so as the blood is pushed back in it causes the vessel to expand and bruise. Read more »
6 Feb 2020... The Good Place has finished, and it was awesome. It was awesome after the first few episodes, didn’t falter at the end of season 1, and managed to remain mostly awesome through to the conclusion of the story. I won’t say it didn’t drag at times or that it didn’t have some questionable logic in places, but generally speaking it was a work of genius. The last season was particularly intriguing. Read more »
1 Jan 2020... I’ve written this as if I was making notes at the time but I’m actually writing it on January 1st a week after these events. If I mess up my tenses, that’s why. 2pm, Christmas Eve, 2019. I’m sitting with my mother in my father’s car in the driveway of my uncle’s house. We’re in Northampton for Christmas but I have to return home to Reading for a few hours because today is the day I start dialysis. Read more »
6 Mar 2019... This is a story I started writing a little while ago but didn’t get very far. The working title is “The Last Chapter” and this first chapter is called “Beauty.” “All hope has drained from the ship. We’ve been trapped in orbit around this planet for almost three years now. Why? Because in addition to the small challenge of finding somewhere in the planet suitable for a landing, we also need to ensure we land in a friendly place. Read more »
6 Mar 2019... Why is diabetes so hard to manage? I was diagnosed with type II diabetes in early 2003 and since then I’ve been on something of a rollercoaster journey through “official” advice from medical practitioners, everything from sound hypotheses to way out there thoughts from the internet, and lots of well-meaning advice from friends and family. The problem is that hardly any of them agree on how the disease should be managed. Read more »
14 Feb 2019... I long to experience being alive. I long to stand up in the back of a pickup truck while speeding through a tunnel with a great song pumping out of the speakers as loud as it will possibly go without losing fidelity. I long to look through the open back window of the cab at a pretty face that looks back at me like I’m the most important thing in their world. Read more »
18 Dec 2018... I just can’t do it today. I wish I knew why but it is what it is. I woke up at the right time, even brushed my teeth for the first time in days, and then completely failed to make any further progress. Something possessed me to find a video on YouTube, and when I saw it I cried. I don’t know why, I really wish I did, so I thought I’d ramble about it and see what came out. Read more »
14 Oct 2018... I’m so over feeling like this. From the constant dull throb in my head to the raw feeling in my anus, having diarrhea that causes you to soil your underwear with alarming regularity is not a fun way to spend a Sunday night, or a Monday morning. This has been happening a lot lately and I’m yet to pinpoint a reason. My kidneys are failing so that certainly has a lot to do with it, but there’s definitely something I’m doing–or more likely eating–that’s triggering these episodes. Read more »
28 Jun 2018... I’ve just watched the most powerful hour and nine minutes of television that I think I’ve ever seen. It popped up in my Netflix feed as popular in the United Kingdom and I can see why. Nanette by Hannah Gadsby (on Netflix): Australian comic Hannah Gadsby reshapes standard stand-up by pairing punchlines with personal revelations on gender, sexuality and childhood turmoil. A lot of the comedy is very clever as well as being funny. Read more »
20 Jun 2018... Today I want to talk about the number three. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Sesame Street on you, but I may get a little new agey. I try as much as possible to be a sceptic in all things, and for the most part I succeed. The number three is something that I got from numerology. A few years back my housemate was quite into it and convinced me to do an online numerology reading. Read more »
17 Jun 2018... Today I have been mostly pondering the phrase, “an internet-worthy life.” I’m not sure why this thought popped into my head while in the shower this morning, but I think it has something to do with having started this blog. Since discovering the internet at university in the mid-90s I’ve started a number of blogs, most of which were short-lived and rarely updated. A few of them served a very important purpose in my life, from helping me process some key events to kick-starting a period of awakening and self-discovery that no doubt I’ll cover in this blog at some point in the future. Read more »
16 Jun 2018... Why is self-care so hard for me? Of all my habits it’s the self-destructive tendencies that plague me the most. It’s 10:20am on Sunday morning. I’m sitting on my couch surrounded by dirty clothes - I sorted them into piles about a month ago. I look over at the kitchen and see almost every piece of cutlery, crockery, and other cooking equipment I own piled up on the counters waiting to be washed. Read more »
31 Dec 2016... It’s that time of year again, when social media is full of inspirational messages encouraging everyone to make positive changes to their lives on the odd premise that the start of a new year is the ideal time to do so. A common quote that’s used for these messages is from Brad Paisley: Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one. This type of thinking has come to really annoy me in recent years. Read more »
2 Jul 2015... Something’s not right; something is always not right. No matter what I do I can never shake the feeling that something’s not right. If it’s not money it’s my weight, and if my weight is acceptable it’s something else. There’s never enough time; there’s never enough money; there’s never enough love; there’s just never enough. What’s strange is the more I go after resolving the feeling that there’s never enough, the more I know there never will be. Read more »
31 Dec 2014... As the shutters come down on 2014 I’ve been thinking hard about the various things that have happened over the past twelve months, and I keep coming back to the fact that I just want to forget about them and move on. From breaking my leg while crossing the road at the end of February, to having something fall from building work through the rear screen of my car just before Christmas, it’s been a memorable year that I’d dearly love to forget. Read more »
16 Mar 2014... Today I shall mostly be feeling sorry for myself. I think as it’s the first time in nearly three weeks, I’m entitled. It will be three weeks ago this Wednesday that a series of decisions culminating in a somewhat life-changing event (albeit temporarily) resulted in the situation in which I currently find myself: laid up in hospital in a not insignificant amount of discomfort, unable to find a comfortable arrangement of me and my left leg that will afford me a moment of relaxation. Read more »
31 Dec 2013... A fair amount has happened this year, but at the same time it feels like the year has passed me by in the blink of an eye. From buying and moving in to a flat in London, to going to Paris to meet someone who’s made a bigger difference to my attitude and my photography than anyone else to date, this year has featured several significant shifts in my life. I could go into them in detail, but I don’t want to or feel the need. Read more »
26 Jul 2013... A little girl sat opposite me on the tube this morning, with her older brother, mother and father. As soon as they had sat down the mother had given her son some sort of tablet on which he proceeds to play games. This also entertains her daughter for a few minutes; she watches her brother intently as he battles bad guys in the virtual world he holds in his hands. But she soon gets bored. Read more »
14 Mar 2013... As I sit here in this place of utter tranquility I feel calm. The world feels so far away and my problems have stayed with it. There is no urgency here; no deadlines and no necessary activity. Not even the sound of the rain getting stronger can spoil this moment. The drops of water lightly dust the back of my head and neck, as the birds sing their merry song of the day. Read more »
11 Mar 2013... After the rain has gone, The sun will shine. After the rain has gone, Things will be fine. Won’t they? Fear sets in, Like the unwelcome stench Of a downtrodden tramp, Sleeping on a bench. Nowhere to stay. First this way then that, Swinging wildly through time; My life is in motion, Composing this rhyme. Come what may. The hostel is quiet, But my mind is on fire; Contradictions abound, Read more »
28 Dec 2011... Christmas has passed once more. Each year goes by, punctuated by this “holiday season,” yet it feels so inconsequential. So empty. Family you say? A time when you get together to celebrate… what? The birth of Christ? The arrival of Santa Claus? The love and joy you experience through giving and receiving gifts? A family is for life, not just for Christmas. Other than the hour you spend in a church once a year, and the nativity scene you might habitually display in your home with the other decorations, how exactly does your Christmas experience relate to the birth of Christ? Read more »
28 Dec 2011... Here I sit, at 8am on December 28th, 2011, on the bed in the spare room of a friend who lives in Troon. The wind howls past the window and anything not under the duvet feels refrigerated, which no doubt most people will know means that anything under the duvet feels nice and cosy. In quiet moments like this I find it very difficult to ignore my inner monologue. The incessant drone of fears, doubts, worries, guilt, and mild panic that permeates every moment of my life suddenly becomes deafening. Read more »
5 Dec 2011... Plastic eyes With a vacant stare Nobody home Nobody there. Watching the world Passing them by No hint of a smile No chance of a “hi”. With expressions so serious What’s on their minds? The children look lost “Parent, are you mine?” Stylish yet casual Wrapped up from the cold Surrounded by baubles All silver and gold. Hands always look awkward Not naturally placed at all Funky hats for the children Read more »
9 Nov 2011... The other morning I was driving to a client’s office and for most of the journey I could see at least one rainbow, and for part of it there were three on the horizon. This is pretty rare where I come from, so I found myself staring at them quite intensely. I played with my viewpoint (as much as one can while driving), seeing how I could affect these quintessentially subjective objects that appeared before me. Read more »
19 Oct 2011... I feel like I wasted large parts of my childhood by going through the “standard” British education system. It wasn’t really until I went to university, and even then not until my second year, that I felt like I was doing something productive. I should sprinkle those statements with a note pointing out that my memories of my childhood are few so I don’t entirely trust the impression I have of that period, but the overwhelming recollection I have is of being bored and uninterested in most of what I was being asked to do. Read more »
15 Jul 2011... Today was day one of Guilfest 2011, and I’m sitting in a pub enjoying a quiet drink, reflecting on the day. There was good music, some questionable refreshments, and a whole lotta people. I know this post is probably going to make me sound like I’m too old to be going to festivals, and I’ve observed this curious behaviour in the past, but today obviously triggered something because when I sat down to make some notes about the day, this is what came out. Read more »
28 Jun 2011... A friend of mine recently told me that they’re getting bored a lot these days. This got me thinking… what exactly is boredom? According to Wikipedia, “boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is without any work or is not interested in their surroundings.” So, essentially it’s an absence of external stimuli with which to occupy the mind. Which leads me to ask the question… what crosses your mind when you have a lack of external stimuli that leads you to call it boredom rather than anything else? Read more »
21 Apr 2011... Finally… proof my phone is spying on me! In the news this morning I found reports that iPhones running iOS 4+ are constantly logging their location. The security researchers who discovered the data file, which is synced when the phone syncs, have developed an app that shows you where your phone thinks you’ve been! While I share the security concerns raised by this discovery, I was also intrigued to see where my phone thinks I’ve been, and it would seem to know about every major event in my life since May 13th, 2010. Read more »
1 Mar 2011... I just had my first green smoothie, and I’m hooked. So simple to make, so tasty, and so filling. I got me a blender which arrived yesterday, read a few things about blending, went shopping last night and today I had a play. Based on a few recipes I’d come across in my reading, this is my method… Chopped about half a small pineapple into small chunks and blended it until juice-like. Read more »
23 Nov 2010... We glance back and say, “Look how far we’ve come” without realising that most change is only skin deep. Reflecting on the past year and a bit I feel like I’ve changed a lot, and yet not really very much at all. I feel very different. I’m calmer within myself; I don’t worry anywhere near as much as I used to. I no longer take every criticism or negative comment as a personal attack. Read more »
23 Jul 2010... Am I broken? I thought I was Then you came along And showed me the truth The facts of the matter The crux of the issue Stuck in my head Circling endlessly This way and that Treading so carefully Tip-toeing along Trepidatiously A blinding light A crash of drums Sudden unexpected clarity Understanding Satisfaction Relief Moving forward Eyes wide open Mind still racing Yet somehow calm The cake is fully baked Read more »
27 Apr 2010... Honesty; why is it so hard? That’s a more involved question than I have time to consider right now, but it arose out of a thought process that lead me to the following conclusion… I have a habit of lying to myself, which is roughly as ridiculous as trying to look at myself with no reflective surface in sight. It’s usually avoidance; lies of omission. I waste my energy by directing my focus and/or emotions towards a smaller component of the whole, ignoring the real problem, and that doesn’t help at all. Read more »
27 Apr 2010... It’s not, so I’m done with it now. Moving on… Read more »
19 Apr 2010... Last Thursday morning I went to the doctor’s surgery for the first time in many months to deliver some urine and blood. It was my first time back there since I decided to stop taking all of my prescribed drugs, and it was probably the first time in my entire life that I was there because it’s what I wanted, not because I had been dragged there or thought I should be there. Read more »
18 Apr 2010... I can’t do anything tomorrow, or next week, or next year; I can only do something now. I’ve known this for a while, but only as a concept. What it actually means has taken some time to sink in, despite it being bleeding obvious! I only have power over the current moment. I can’t control what I do tomorrow any more than I can control what I did yesterday. I can think about tomorrow, and I can make plans to do something, but until tomorrow becomes now it’s all just talk. Read more »
17 Apr 2010... Time: late Location: somewhere in Guildford Mission: to train for two weeks walking around Australia Status: tired! In a little under a month I land in Sydney, Australia. A little over two weeks later I take off to return to England. Other than a hotel room for the first night I have nothing booked and no firm plans, but I anticipate a lot of walking. I love walking, which is something I only recently discovered. Read more »
4 Apr 2010... I’ve just experienced dawn breaking through my window on a crisp Easter Sunday morning, but I wasn’t really paying attention. The birds sing their sweet song, yet I barely acknowledge their presence. You see, I’m lost in my own head, fighting with myself in an attempt to see clearly. What does this mean? What did that mean? Did that really happen the way I remember it? If I do this what might happen? Read more »
2 Apr 2010... I’m sitting in the grounds of Surrey University, next to either a large pond or a small lake. What I call it is unimportant. The wind dances across the surface of the water, playing artist with the sunlight. With a mild chill it traverses the landscape, skipping around the trees and through the grass. Have you ever considered a blade of grass? Billions of them exist on the planet, more than I can imagine, and yet most people don’t pay much attention to them. Read more »
22 Mar 2010... I wrote the following in Wagamama this evening. Tonight was the first time in my 33 years that I’ve gone out for a sit down meal on my own. I’ve done the fast food thing alone. I’ve done take out alone. A lot. But I’ve never gone to a restaurant, sat down and had a meal, alone. I was alone because on the way home from work I had a sudden and overwhelming urge for Wagamama, not sure why, but my partner in dine wasn’t interested. Read more »
9 Mar 2010... There’s a crispness about this place this time of year. A freshness that carries with it the promise of a new beginning. The sky is a magical shade of blue, with a perfectly smooth gradient towards the horizon. The sparse picture-perfect fluffy clouds sit suspended as if supported by hoards of invisible angels. The sun beams across the landscape casting detailed shadows, and gently kissing everything that crosses its path. Read more »
27 Feb 2010... The self begins as a blank slate; an unblemished entity with unlimited capacity for love, harmony, and self-expression. A blank slate that’s ready to explore it’s new environment with explosive passion and unmatched enthusiasm. Then the self meets the world, and the world has a different agenda. The world chisels a comfort zone around the blank slate by building up multiple layers of social conditioning and utilises a sticky compound of fear and self-doubt to hold them together. Read more »
27 Jan 2010... I’m far too fucked up at the moment to write anything meaningful. My head is full of different trains of thought, all vying for my focus and I’m completely failing to prioritise them effectively. I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I’m up; some days I’m down. Some days I’m full of passion; other days I just don’t care. If there’s a pattern there I’m yet to see it. Read more »
16 Jan 2010... Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I mean really looked at yourself? Really, really looked at yourself? Looked deep into your own eyes? Deep enough to see your own soul? What did you see? Did you like it? Did you love it? Did you want to get away from it? Did you feel safe? What did you feel? Why? What does it mean? Do you care? Read more »
15 Jan 2010... Yesterday was my birthday; I turned 33. I don’t feel old, quite the opposite. I feel reborn. I feel like a new person. I feel like this is a new beginning for me. I feel empowered. This year is going to be different. I’ve spent most of my life with my eyes closed, going where ever the current takes me, but from this year it’s going to be different. I have goals for this year, real achievable goals, and I’m going to meet them! Read more »
27 Dec 2009... Jamie was sat up in his bed staring at the door. He couldn’t believe it. He had spent the past twenty minutes crying into his pillow. His beloved Santa was gone. He didn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it. They must be lying; he’d seen him at the shopping centre last year. He’d told Santa that he wanted a bike and that’s what Santa had given him. Is he supposed to believe his parents had done that? Read more »
26 Dec 2009... Carol quietly closed the door behind her and took a deep breath. She was wondering whether she’d done the right thing; he seemed really disappointed and she didn’t like doing that to him. She walked as quietly as she could back to her bedroom. Dan was already asleep but she knew she had to talk to him about this and it couldn’t wait until the morning, especially since Jamie would probably be up early as he has been every previous Christmas day, hopefully full of excitement as usual. Read more »
25 Dec 2009... Jamie was sat up in his bed staring at the door. He couldn’t believe it. It was 4am on Christmas morning and he’d been woken up by the sounds of someone opening his door. He had opened his eyes only to catch a glimpse of his Mum leaving his stocking at the end of his bed. His Mum! Where was Santa? Was he okay? Did he need help? Were the reindeer safe? Read more »
6 Dec 2009... Staring at a blank page The words just fail to come Emptiness stares right back at me Expectantly. The truth seemed so clear When I sat down to write But I can’t find the words Frustratingly. How does clarity turn cloudy So quickly and so often True meaning lost in transcription Disappointingly. Thoughts to words Mind to paper Essence to vapour Regrettably. The clarity remembered The message lost Everything becomes less clear Read more »
6 Dec 2009... Words on a page Seem so strange. I only wrote them yesterday They do not feel like mine today. Read more »
29 Nov 2009... What’s your answer? If you’ve got an answer then keep that in mind but strip away everything in your life that’s not guaranteed beyond being alive. No job, no friends, no family, no home, no clothes, nothing left but your body and soul. Did you just take away your answer? If you did then it’s not a real answer; try again. The question is not what are you, but who are you? Read more »
7 Nov 2009... He lay in his bed staring at the light fitting on the ceiling; his mind wandered aimlessly. What a week. He let out a long deep sigh. He looked out of the window. The sky was a wispy blue and the sun was shining. It was going to be a lovely day of typical autumn weather in England. The window was open and a playful breeze was caressing his face. It was cold but he didn’t notice; he was lost in his thoughts. Read more »
5 Nov 2009... I was watching Neighbours on the gantry with the guys. You climbed up the ladder; there were no spare chairs. You sat on my lap. I froze, unsure how to react. (click) You stood on the stage and started to sing. All I could hear was an angel. (click) After the final performance of some great acting and singing where the technical involvement had been shockingly bad, you wrote in my programme that my part in it was the only bit that didn’t suck. Read more »
29 Oct 2009... Three months ago I quit my job, but I’m still here. Here’s why. When I started at my current job I was really excited. It was my second startup in a row and I was addicted to that style of working. The fast-paced, fluid environment with ever-changing requirements and the blank sheet of paper feel appeal to my strengths so it was natural for me to find a similar role when I decided to leave my last job. Read more »
27 Oct 2009... Please note that in this post I am not suggesting anyone should stop taking any drugs their doctor has prescribed, I’m just telling my story and what’s worked for me. It might be dangerous for you to do the same so please consult your doctor before doing anything stupid. When I moved house recently I got knocked completely out of routine and like a complete idiot that caused me to forget to take my prescription drugs for nearly six days. Read more »
24 Oct 2009... Ok, let’s not dance around the point… I’m a fat bloke. I’ve been saying yes to the above question, both out loud and in my head, for the best part of twenty years. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember, but I’ve seen pictures that prove it wasn’t always the case. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years trying to work out what happened, who to blame with the futile hope that I can pass the responsibility on to someone else. Read more »
24 Oct 2009... I miss the way you’d always be excited to see me. I miss the way you knew me better than I knew myself. I miss the way you knew what I needed and what I wanted. I miss the way you always knew the difference. I miss the way you smile; I miss the way you pout. I miss the way your nose scrunched up and got all wrinkled when you couldn’t stop laughing. Read more »
22 Oct 2009... Everything in life comes down to attitude. Live the right attitude and life will be better. The wrong attitude can be fatal. I’ve lived my life in fear of so many things that I ended up living in a hole too afraid to come out. Over the years I’ve had opportunities to spend over a year living and working in a foreign country, to emigrate to Australia, to experience extremes of living and to love, but I’ve completely failed to take advantage of them for one simple, stupid reason… Read more »
31 Dec 2007... I usually hate posts like this, but 2007 marked the end of a difficult period for me and I’m more than happy to see it go. With that in mind I thought I’d review 2007 and look forward to what will hopefully be a very good 2008. I’m writing this in the foyer of a hotel in Walsall near Birmingham relaxing before an evening of food, drink and entertainment. This time last year I was sitting in a hotel in Dover doing pretty-much the same thing but I didn’t have this MacBook so it wasn’t quite so productive (not sure if that was better or not). Read more »
25 Nov 2007... I’ve previously posted about people sharing personal information on Facebook without any regard for their own privacy. On Friday the BBC ran a story about how young people could be damaging their future careers with details they put on social network sites. Some 71% of 2,000 14 to 21-year-olds said they would not want colleges or employers to do a web search on them before they had removed some material. Read more »
4 Nov 2007... Recently there seems to have been an explosion in the use of Facebook to gather friends phone numbers following the loss/theft/change of mobile phones. This makes sense if you only have “real” friends on there. However, it makes me sad to see the number of people who are setting up groups to gather these numbers without paying due care and attention to the access rights. Over the past month I have seen several items in my news feed telling me that so and so wrote their phone number on the wall in a group set up by one of their friends. Read more »
21 Jun 2007... Further to my previous post on recruitment agencies I felt I had to post details of an exchange I had with an agent today because it is a great example of the attitude most recruitment agents have. I got an email at 12:15pm from an agent, let’s call him Paul because that is his name, with the subject “C#/ASP.net Developer – Central London”. This was the third such email received today. Read more »
16 Jun 2007... My last boss has written a blog entry about my experiences with recruitment agencies during that employment. What Nick doesn’t mention is that in addition to the phone calls I was getting upwards of ten emails a day from them at one point. I had a boiler-plate reply asking them to remove me from their databases, and to let me know when they’ve done that. Very few ever replied, and the few that did reply did so with some scary comments like “we can’t remove people”, or “marking people as ignored is the same as deleting here”. Read more »
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