I miss you

I miss the way you’d always be excited to see me.

I miss the way you knew me better than I knew myself.

I miss the way you knew what I needed and what I wanted.

I miss the way you always knew the difference.

I miss the way you smile; I miss the way you pout.

I miss the way your nose scrunched up and got all wrinkled when you couldn’t stop laughing.

I miss the simplicity we had, the easy conversation and the relaxing silences.

I miss the way you knew what I was going to say before I’d finished thinking.

I miss the way you were always there when I needed you.

I miss the way I was the first person you’d call when you needed someone.

I miss the pointless chats; I miss the deep discussions.

I miss the way you could always make me cry with just a few words.

I miss the way I could make you laugh without even trying.

I miss the way you always knew what to say to make me feel better.

I miss how safe I felt when you hugged me.

I miss hugging you every day.

I miss the way you made me feel loved and wanted without any expectations.

I miss the cinnamon swirls.

I miss the security I felt knowing you would always be there.

I miss the balance you brought to my life.

I miss listening to you talk; I miss you listening to me babble.

I miss the joy, the pain, the tears and the laughter.

I miss you.

I want to see you again. I don’t have the words to express how much I want to see you again, even for just one minute. What we had was special in a way I can’t adequately describe, but I couldn’t see it at the time. I took it for granted and for that I apologise.

So where are you now? Are you married? To the tall, fair haired, adventurous but stable type? Have you got the three kids you always wanted? Two boys and one girl with the girl in the middle? How about the big house with the giant oak with the tyre hanging off its biggest branch? And the Volvo you always joked about needing with so many kids?

Do you still sing? Do you still have the voice of an angel? Do you still play the piano? Do you still love Tchaikovsky? Do you still love REO Speedwagon? Do you think of me when you hear our song? I haven’t heard it for years, but I just found it on YouTube and for four minutes all I could see was your face.

You didn’t judge me; you didn’t make me feel worthless; you didn’t make me feel like a failure. You made me feel like a person. You made me feel like I mattered to someone and for that I thank you. I wish I had understood what you had shown me, but it’s taken me sixteen years and another bright girl for me to get it.

I want to show you how I’ve grown. I want to show you how I’ve changed. I want to show you how much you affected my life despite my delay in reacting. I want you to know how much you meant to me; how much you still mean to me.

But most of all I just want to say… I miss you.