Why is self-care so hard for me? Of all my habits it’s the self-destructive tendencies that plague me the most.

It’s 10:20am on Sunday morning. I’m sitting on my couch surrounded by dirty clothes - I sorted them into piles about a month ago. I look over at the kitchen and see almost every piece of cutlery, crockery, and other cooking equipment I own piled up on the counters waiting to be washed. I see the microwave with it’s slightly open door and I remember when some chicken soup spat all over its insides over a week ago, and I still haven’t cleaned it.

My mouth feels stale. I can’t remember when I last brushed my teeth; it’s certainly been at least a week. I feel dirty, having not had a shower since Wednesday morning. I sponged myself down on Thursday and Friday morning because I failed to get out of bed with enough time to shower before going to work. And I was still late for work on both days.

Every room in my flat has things that need doing. My bedding needs to be washed. My home office still has a shelving unit across the middle of the room instead of against the wall (I had to move it a few weeks ago so my new broadband could be installed). Both bathrooms are disgusting. There are bags of rubbish waiting to be taken out to the bins in every room, and all of the floors need vaccuming.

Yet here I sit, on my couch, listening to a podcast, creating a new blog and writing the first post.

None of this is actually difficult. I’m very aware that I’m far calmer and generally happier when my environment is clean and tidy, when I don’t have to fight with my kitchen to feed myself (which usually leads to take-out), and when I feel clean and presentable. So why do I find it so hard?

I am incredibly frustrated with myself this morning, but I don’t have any answers today. I am going to try to get some of this stuff done today.